I’m at the point where I can go from feeling so much to so little in an instant. My emotions are all disarray. I feel like my veins are pumping potential energy, heart beat-beat-beating in anticipation for all the things that are about to happen in my life. Growing up is weird. I’m learning and changing and evolving and it doesn’t feel like summer that passes and it’s August and you’re wondering where all the time went… every day I feel time whizzing past; if the hands on the clock rotate any faster it’ll fly off my desk and out the window. I am so many things, and I’m training my eyes to find possibility in every second, to not let time get away from me, to not let myself live in a time that hasn’t even come yet. There is so much I want to do, so much I want to see, so much I want to create, so much I want to be. I’m chasing light and I’m discovering who I am and what I want to do and how I want to live and I’m aching to praise my God with every breath.
untitled on Flickr.
I don’t know how I got to the point to where I am now and at what turn in my life did things finally start to change. All I know that is this road I have discovered while walking blindly through the darkness and my own tears has finally lead somewhere. It isn’t a clear path - hell I can’t even predict what direction the next corner takes me. But I love it. I have never been happier not knowing what is coming, what my future holds or how I will even support myself living this way. I don’t care any more. For so many years I have been somewhere dark, deep in a pit where even if I was left means of escape I wouldn’t move. I had nothing to look to, no driving force to make me want to claw my way out. I had no dreams. Not any ‘real’ dreams at least according to society’s standards.
But then one day I just decided society can go to hell. So I saved every penny I earned and ran away. As I headed out alone, I soon realised that I wasn’t alone at all. Where I was there were people everywhere. Just like me. And that maybe I wasn’t running away any more. That maybe I had found a new home. While I was running away from thinking about my purpose in life I had some how tripped and fallen over the one place where I was maybe meant to be.
I can’t remember the last time I have ever felt like this… like I was living. I didn’t have any future plans, all I had was my present.
It wasn’t stress free, I encountered lots of problems that at the time I thought were trying to drag me home. But I refused to give up, to loose this feeling of life I was actually living. So now I look back on those hard days or weeks without a regret because they were just a stepping stone to where I stand now. Experience that made me grow. I learned to look at everything as a opportunity.
There are chances everywhere ready for us to grab on to. But we never see them most of the time for we are stuck inside our own heads - our own future plans - that we fail to notice a new future just under our noses.
I had thought endlessly of the future too much. I’d had enough. And the moment I realised that I felt like my body had turned to air - I was weightless.
Why should I care? Tomorrow is tomorrow, today is today - the present.
"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, that is why it’s called the present."
So I say now, “F**k the future!” Maybe I am still running, yet now I don’t know from what. What rule is there I must live a standard monotonous day as our society has set up for us? I won’t.
I don’t need fortunes. All I need is clothes on my back, food to eat, a roof over my head and friends to call my family everywhere I go.
Working for the essentials, not all these unnecessary wants. Life will be my holiday.
Naive, idealistic - I really don’t care any more what people say.
Why must we plan details when we never even know if we could make the next day?
Without plans we find opportunities. When you have nothing you are open to anything - and that is where you find something unexpected.
So I ran away. And I will keep running and never stop. Because I have legs to drag me through the world, not to sit behind office walls.